Then there was the BW3 league...
So I’m back. Yeah. For those of you who don’t know me yet, my name’s Richard Weed. I know a few of the guys who play in your fantasy league and, soon, you’ll say you know me as well. I’m currently “staying” at a ”halfway” house in downtown L.A. and I’ve only been mugged twice so far in 2008. So, yeah.
I used to write for a major sports organization, but I kinda got fired. So, your commish is kind enough to pay me a few bucks to write about your little, itty-bitty, insignificant league.
How often will I post? I have no idea. Enjoy it while you can.
For the record, I didn’t have an alcohol “problem” last season. It was a court-ordered (a wrong one, I might add) insitutionalization. Who knew taking your pants off in a bar is illegal. And who knew the cop who’s pants I took off would have ZERO sense of humor about it.
By the way, in case you didn’t already guess it, don’t take my bashing personally. I really think you all suck. Hell, I think I suck! So, we all suck.
So here’s to another disappointing season. You did something wrong along the way, so let’s see where it might’ve been. Here’s some things I noticed about your draft:
The Draft – Highlights and Lowlights. I know, it’s cliché, but it’s more low than high, if that helps the cliché at all.
Round 1, Pick 4 - Fall On Your Sword. Tom Brady, QB, Pats. First, well, you know I hate this man more than the devil, so there’s that. I hope every single person that picks Tom Brady marches over to his LA apartment or his NY apartment or his Boston apartment or his Tallahassee apartment at the end of this season and demands the fee they paid to play in fantasy football this year from his cocky little paws because he is going to suck SO bad.
Round 2, Pick 15 - Dan Sucks. Reggie Bush, RB, Saints. Wasn’t this guy supposed to be the next amazing Running Back? Hasn’t he sucked a little bit? Or a lot a bit?
Round 2, Pick 27 - Team Cranium. Jamal Lewis, RB, Browns. Jamal Lewis? I remember a time when he was up at the top with Ladanian! What happened? Oh, that’s right, he’s old as sh*t.
Round 3, Pick 42 - Dan Sucks. Thomas Jones, RB, Jets. Thomas Jones? I remember a time when… who am I kidding, he was on the Bears.
Round 4, Pick 51 - Lawrenceville Burping Elk. Jerricho Cotchery, WR, Jets. Who the f*** is this? “Cotchery?” This sounds made up! Only the Elk would pick a guy who’s last name is very close to CROTCH.
Round 5, Pick 68 - Dream_Crusher. Brandon Marshall, WR, Broncos. Move over Ocho Cinco and T.O. - this guy is going to be good AND a trouble-maker. Sounds like top-tier NFL wide receiver to me!
Round 6, Pick 73 - Dream_Crusher. Ricky Williams, RB, Dolphins. This is why you shouldn’t smoke pot. You end up stuck on the Dolphins and sucking.
Round 7, Pick 97 - Burmingham Barons. Stephen Gostkowski, K, Pats. Just cuz he’s on New England doesn’t make him worth taking over Javon Walker or Joey Galloway. He’s still a kicker and still a vagina.
Round 8, Pick 103 - Team_Johnson. Adam Vinatieri, K, Colts. See above.
Round 9, Pick 115 - Victorious Secret. Eddie Royal, WR, Broncos. Admit it. You have no f***ing clue who this guy is, you just picked him cuz his name was cool. Admit it.
Round 11, Pick 145 - Beat Down Corp. Robert Meachem, WR, Saints. Robert Meachem? I thought he passed away:
You guys too young for a Robert Mitchum reference? F*** you guys, I’m 48.
Round 13, Pick 170 – Team Cranium. Steve Smith, WR, Giants. Heh. See below.
Round 13, Pick 172 – Fall on your Sword. Steve Slaton, RB, Texans. This is either genius, as Green and Taylor are shaky at best. Or a waste, as I’m sure some wussy kicker was available here. I knew a Steve Slaton in college. He slept through all his classes and flunked out his Sophomore year. I had to buy my pot from someone else after that.
Round 13, Pick 181 – Burmingham Barons. Kyle Orton, QB(?), Bears. Why?
GUYS-ACCIDENTALLY-DRAFTED (may be applicable to you)
Steve Smith, WR (NYG)
Tony Gonzalez, WR (ATL)
Jamal Lewis, S (ATL)
D.J. Shockley, QB (ATL)
GUYS-WHOSE-NAME-SOUNDED-COOL-SO-HE-GOT-PICKED (may be applicable to you)
Jerricho Cotchery, WR (NYJ)
Ted Ginn Jr., WR (MIA)
Ray Rice, RB (BAL)
Jerious Norwood, RB (ATL)
Brandon Coutu, K (SEA)
Kevin Smith, RB (DET)
Sorry. Had to do it.
Team Previews:
ALKALINE11
The Good
LT. #1 pick for a few years now. A solid anchor to his team.
The Bad
Chambers and Driver at WR? Let’s hope they hop in a time machine, go back to 2002 and remember how to score some Fantasy points.
The Weed
Chris Johnson - most average name in the world.
Team Cranium
The Good
People love Adrian Peterson almost as much or more than LT! A cornerstone to Cranium’s success this season.
The Bad
Torry Holt ain’t what he used to be. And wassup with Donovan? Will he stay healthy? Will he be the same quarterback he was when he beat the hell out of the Bears in ‘03? Will he still do Campbell soup commercials with his ma?
The Weed
Heh heh… Steve Smith from the Giants.
Victorious Secret
The Good
Westbrook and TJ Hushyourmouth should be pretty solid all season long.
The Bad
Jeremy Shockey. Every year, we get excited. Then we get disappointed when we watch him from the sidelines waving that damn towel, NOT playing, and will still bang a hot chick after the game. Damn him.
The Weed
He’s got Aaron Rogers on the bench. If I were Aaron Rogers, I’d be scared out of mind. If he fails, those Green Bay fans will literally eat him alive. Literally.
Fall on your Sword
The Good
Pretty solid receiver corps in Fitz, Harrison and Santa Moss
The Bad
Kellen AND Tom Brady?
The Weed
Remember a time when the Colts defense sucked?? … Yeah, they’re going to murder my Bears today, aren’t they…
Beat Down Corp
The Good
I like Addai, Hasselback and Colston. I think that trio will be a nice and steady stream of points.
The Bad
I worry about anyone playing in Ohio - I’m looking at you, Braylon!
The Weed
I had no idea Warrick Dunn was still playing. I had assumed he and Alstott skipped off into the retirement sunset. Next thing you’ll tell me is Kurt Warner is projected to be a Top 5 quarterback this weekend… WHAT?
Lawrenceville Burping Elk
The Good
I like Marion Barber, the THIRD, and Plax had a pretty good game on Thursday.
The Bad
Jones-Drew may not get the TDs, and Dwayne Bowe is a dice roll on a slanted Atlantic City craps table.
The Weed
Is that Maurice Morris on his bench?
P-Town Reefers
The Good
Peyton, McGahee, Gates, Ward - proven players.
The Bad
James Hardy and Anthony Gonzalez? Er. I dunno.
The Weed
LOTS of red crosses on his team’s page this morning. That’s cause for concern. That and Matt Schaub as your bench QB. I didn’t even know they still had a team in Houston!
Dirrrty Sanchez
The Good
Randy Moss. Need say no more.
The Bad
Todd Heap. Need say no more.
The Weed
I am a Bears fan forever, but having a Bear player on your fantasy team means you know that he might actually TAKE AWAY points if you start him. Just an FYI.
The Blickhans
The Good
He grabbed Romo in the first round, but I like Earnest Graham a lot, too.
The Bad
McFadden is unproven and Green Bay is kinda iffy right now.
The Weed
Phil Dawson’s dad:
Oh, COME ON! I’m not THAT old! He’s on Nick at Nite. F*** you guys.
Team Johnson
The Good
Jackson, Edge, Boldin and Roastedhamburger should do well for Johnson all year.
The Bad
Derrick Mason will not.
The Weed
He has Warner riding the pine this week. What a weird story Warner is, huh. And who knows what Isaac Bruce will do. Johnson may have the oldest team in the league!
Drunken Irishmen
The Good
Brees, Fast Willie Parker, and the crazy-ass Ocho Cinco AND TO are rock solid.
The Bad
Justin Fargas? Well… And any day now, Fred Taylor’s bionic limbs will just fall off.
The Weed
Bernard Berrian might be the #1 receiver in Minnesota. Damn.
Dream Crusher
The Good
LJ, Portis and Calvin J should all be very nice to the co-trash-talker champion of, well every year (tied with Beat Down Corps, of course).
The Bad
Ricky Williams would much rather smoke the grass then smoke a defense.
The Weed
I think we can stop accusing of Jeff Garcia of being gay, everyone!
Burmingham Barons
The Good
Wayne and Clark are solid, and Marshawn Lynch could be big this year, too.
The Bad
Matt Forte? Even I know that’s a stretch.
The Weed
We all hope for Burmingham that he never ever has to start Kyle Orton.
Dan Sucks
The Good
Gore, Bush and Jones is probably the best 3 RB pairing in this league.
The Bad
Cole’s footie hurts real bad and Bulger has a TOUGH season ahead.
The Weed
Vince Young. I can’t decide if he sucks or not. He reminds me of Michael Vick, at least in Fantasy terms. I wonder what he’s doing now?
Too soon?
Prediction?
Season prediction? I start drinking again by Halloween. As for the league, well anything can happen. People who are supposed to suck turn out good. People who are supposed to be good turn out to suck. Tom Brady is still a dickhole. I don’t know, so I’ll just pick the name I like the best. Dan Sucks is this year’s champion!
Now get ready for some football.
I’m Richard Weed and you’re not. Sucks to be you.
-RW
