The NFL and BW3 by Richard Weed

Then there was the BW3 league…

So I’m back.  Yeah.  For those of you who don’t know me yet, my name’s Richard Weed.  I know a few of the guys who play in your fantasy league and, soon, you’ll say you know me as well.  I’m currently “staying” at a ”halfway” house in downtown L.A. and I’ve only been mugged twice so far in 2008.  So, yeah.

I used to write for a major sports organization, but I kinda got fired.  So, your commish is kind enough to pay me a few bucks to write about your little, itty-bitty, insignificant league.

How often will I post?  I have no idea.  Enjoy it while you can.

For the record, I didn’t have an alcohol “problem” last season. It was a court-ordered (a wrong one, I might add) insitutionalization. Who knew taking your pants off in a bar is illegal. And who knew the cop who’s pants I took off would have ZERO sense of humor about it.

By the way, in case you didn’t already guess it, don’t take my bashing personally.  I really think you all suck.  Hell, I think I suck!  So, we all suck. 

So here’s to another disappointing season.  You did something wrong along the way, so let’s see where it might’ve been.  Here’s some things I noticed about your draft:

The Draft – Highlights and Lowlights. I know, it’s cliché, but it’s more low than high, if that helps the cliché at all.

Round 1, Pick 4 - Fall On Your Sword.  Tom Brady, QB, Pats.  First, well, you know I hate this man more than the devil, so there’s that.  I hope every single person that picks Tom Brady marches over to his LA apartment or his NY apartment or his Boston apartment or his Tallahassee apartment at the end of this season and demands the fee they paid to play in fantasy football this year from his cocky little paws because he is going to suck SO bad.

Round 2, Pick 15 - Dan Sucks.  Reggie Bush, RB, Saints.  Wasn’t this guy supposed to be the next amazing Running Back?  Hasn’t he sucked a little bit?  Or a lot a bit?

Round 2, Pick 27 - Team Cranium.  Jamal Lewis, RB, Browns.  Jamal Lewis?  I remember a time when he was up at the top with Ladanian!  What happened?  Oh, that’s right, he’s old as sh*t.

Round 3, Pick 42 - Dan Sucks.  Thomas Jones, RB, Jets.  Thomas Jones?  I remember a time when… who am I kidding, he was on the Bears.

Round 4, Pick 51 - Lawrenceville Burping Elk.  Jerricho Cotchery, WR, Jets.  Who the f*** is this?  “Cotchery?”  This sounds made up!  Only the Elk would pick a guy who’s last name is very close to CROTCH. 

Round 5, Pick 68 - Dream_Crusher.  Brandon Marshall, WR, Broncos.  Move over Ocho Cinco and T.O. - this guy is going to be good AND a trouble-maker.  Sounds like top-tier NFL wide receiver to me!

Round 6, Pick 73 - Dream_Crusher.  Ricky Williams, RB, Dolphins.  This is why you shouldn’t smoke pot.  You end up stuck on the Dolphins and sucking.

Round 7, Pick 97 - Burmingham Barons.  Stephen Gostkowski, K, Pats.  Just cuz he’s on New England doesn’t make him worth taking over Javon Walker or Joey Galloway.  He’s still a kicker and still a vagina.

Round 8, Pick 103 - Team_Johnson.  Adam Vinatieri, K, Colts.  See above.

Round 9, Pick 115 - Victorious Secret.  Eddie Royal, WR, Broncos.  Admit it.  You have no f***ing clue who this guy is, you just picked him cuz his name was cool.  Admit it.

Round 11, Pick 145 - Beat Down Corp.  Robert Meachem, WR, Saints.  Robert Meachem?  I thought he passed away:

You guys too young for a Robert Mitchum reference?  F*** you guys, I’m 48.

Round 13, Pick 170 – Team Cranium. Steve Smith, WR, Giants. Heh. See below.

Round 13, Pick 172 – Fall on your Sword. Steve Slaton, RB, Texans. This is either genius, as Green and Taylor are shaky at best. Or a waste, as I’m sure some wussy kicker was available here. I knew a Steve Slaton in college. He slept through all his classes and flunked out his Sophomore year. I had to buy my pot from someone else after that.

Round 13, Pick 181 – Burmingham Barons. Kyle Orton, QB(?), Bears. Why?

GUYS-ACCIDENTALLY-DRAFTED (may be applicable to you)

Steve Smith, WR (NYG)

Tony Gonzalez, WR (ATL)

Jamal Lewis, S (ATL)

D.J. Shockley, QB (ATL)

GUYS-WHOSE-NAME-SOUNDED-COOL-SO-HE-GOT-PICKED (may be applicable to you)

Jerricho Cotchery, WR (NYJ)

Ted Ginn Jr., WR (MIA)

Ray Rice, RB (BAL)

Jerious Norwood, RB (ATL)

Brandon Coutu, K (SEA)

Kevin Smith, RB (DET)

Sorry.  Had to do it.

Team Previews:

ALKALINE11

The Good

LT.  #1 pick for a few years now.  A solid anchor to his team.

The Bad

Chambers and Driver at WR?  Let’s hope they hop in a time machine, go back to 2002 and remember how to score some Fantasy points.

The Weed

Chris Johnson - most average name in the world. 

Team Cranium

The Good

People love Adrian Peterson almost as much or more than LT!  A cornerstone to Cranium’s success this season.

The Bad

Torry Holt ain’t what he used to be.  And wassup with Donovan?  Will he stay healthy?  Will he be the same quarterback he was when he beat the hell out of the Bears in ‘03?  Will he still do Campbell soup commercials with his ma?

The Weed

Heh heh… Steve Smith from the Giants.

Victorious Secret

The Good

Westbrook and TJ Hushyourmouth should be pretty solid all season long.

The Bad

Jeremy Shockey.  Every year, we get excited.  Then we get disappointed when we watch him from the sidelines waving that damn towel, NOT playing, and will still bang a hot chick after the game.  Damn him.

The Weed

He’s got Aaron Rogers on the bench.  If I were Aaron Rogers, I’d be scared out of mind.  If he fails, those Green Bay fans will literally eat him alive.  Literally.

Fall on your Sword

The Good

Pretty solid receiver corps in Fitz, Harrison and Santa Moss

The Bad

Kellen AND Tom Brady?

The Weed

Remember a time when the Colts defense sucked?? … Yeah, they’re going to murder my Bears today, aren’t they…

Beat Down Corp

The Good

I like Addai, Hasselback and Colston.  I think that trio will be a nice and steady stream of points.

The Bad

I worry about anyone playing in Ohio - I’m looking at you, Braylon!

The Weed

I had no idea Warrick Dunn was still playing.  I had assumed he and Alstott skipped off into the retirement sunset.  Next thing you’ll tell me is Kurt Warner is projected to be a Top 5 quarterback this weekend… WHAT?

Lawrenceville Burping Elk

The Good

I like Marion Barber, the THIRD, and Plax had a pretty good game on Thursday.

The Bad

Jones-Drew may not get the TDs, and Dwayne Bowe is a dice roll on a slanted Atlantic City craps table.

The Weed

Is that Maurice Morris on his bench?

P-Town Reefers

The Good

Peyton, McGahee, Gates, Ward - proven players.

The Bad

James Hardy and Anthony Gonzalez?  Er.  I dunno.

The Weed

LOTS of red crosses on his team’s page this morning.  That’s cause for concern.  That and Matt Schaub as your bench QB.  I didn’t even know they still had a team in Houston!

Dirrrty Sanchez

The Good

Randy Moss.  Need say no more.

The Bad

Todd Heap.  Need say no more.

The Weed

I am a Bears fan forever, but having a Bear player on your fantasy team means you know that he might actually TAKE AWAY points if you start him.  Just an FYI.

The Blickhans

The Good

He grabbed Romo in the first round, but I like Earnest Graham a lot, too.

The Bad

McFadden is unproven and Green Bay is kinda iffy right now.

The Weed

Phil Dawson’s dad:

Oh, COME ON!  I’m not THAT old!  He’s on Nick at Nite.  F*** you guys.

Team Johnson

The Good

Jackson, Edge, Boldin and Roastedhamburger should do well for Johnson all year.

The Bad

Derrick Mason will not.

The Weed

He has Warner riding the pine this week.  What a weird story Warner is, huh.  And who knows what Isaac Bruce will do.  Johnson may have the oldest team in the league!

Drunken Irishmen

The Good

Brees, Fast Willie Parker, and the crazy-ass Ocho Cinco AND TO are rock solid.

The Bad

Justin Fargas?  Well…  And any day now, Fred Taylor’s bionic limbs will just fall off.

The Weed

Bernard Berrian might be the #1 receiver in Minnesota.  Damn.

Dream Crusher

The Good

LJ, Portis and Calvin J should all be very nice to the co-trash-talker champion of, well every year (tied with Beat Down Corps, of course).

The Bad

Ricky Williams would much rather smoke the grass then smoke a defense.

The Weed

I think we can stop accusing of Jeff Garcia of being gay, everyone!

Burmingham Barons

The Good

Wayne and Clark are solid, and Marshawn Lynch could be big this year, too.

The Bad

Matt Forte?  Even I know that’s a stretch.

The Weed

We all hope for Burmingham that he never ever has to start Kyle Orton.

Dan Sucks

The Good

Gore, Bush and Jones is probably the best 3 RB pairing in this league.

The Bad

Cole’s footie hurts real bad and Bulger has a TOUGH season ahead.

The Weed

Vince Young.  I can’t decide if he sucks or not.  He reminds me of Michael Vick, at least in Fantasy terms.  I wonder what he’s doing now?

Too soon?

Prediction?

Season prediction?  I start drinking again by Halloween.  As for the league, well anything can happen.  People who are supposed to suck turn out good.  People who are supposed to be good turn out to suck.  Tom Brady is still a dickhole.  I don’t know, so I’ll just pick the name I like the best.  Dan Sucks is this year’s champion!

Now get ready for some football.

I’m Richard Weed and you’re not.  Sucks to be you.

-RW

First, the NFL…

Jacknuts. It’s Richard Weed. Hope you had a great summer. I didn’t. It sucked.

But the summer brings random ass NFL news. And new Fantasy Football seasons.

I’m going to write about BW3 later. I got some NFL crap to go over. Eat it.
It’s very simple. I might make this a running thing. Or not. I don’t know. But, completely ripping off something I saw in a geek magazine, I have 3 lists.

CAN’T WAIT

Top 3 things I’m actually excited about the start of the 2008 NFL season.

1. Arizona - sink or swim

So, a 37-year-old former gorcery store employee is starting at quarterback. A Heisman USC brat can’t beat him out, and he simply smiles through gritting teeth when interviewed.  Two ELITE receivers still kind of, well, suck. And the running back still thinks he can play. Is Marcel Shipp still on this team?? That would just be icing on the cake! This could be the best offensive team in the league - or the biggest dumpage on a professional football field, well, since last year’s Cardinals team.

2. Terrell Owens v. Ocho Cinco

Terrell Owens and Ocho Cinco make this league watchable. Thank GOD we have someone legally changing his name to “Ocho Cinco.” I love how the holier-than-thou football fans consider their dancing in the endzone “disrespectful.” Stuff it! These are the same fans that beat the hell out of visiting fans when they come to their stadium/bar/look at their fat girlfriend. Anyone remember how fun the NBA was when Dennis Rodman was wearing wedding dresses and getting crazy-arse rebound numbers? Now all we have is whiny Kobe, whiny Tim Duncan and over-hyped Lebron. BORING! T.O. and Chad are at the top of their game and they are entertaining as ALL HELL! I would take either one on the Bears in an instant. Anyone that complains about their behavior are either hypocrites, lame-os, or defensive backs. I, for one, cannot WAIT to see what trouble they cause this season. Must see TV, fellas.

3. Philly Cheerleaders

Dear god.

Nothing else to say.  Google Image search yourself.

OH, GREAT

1. Brett Favre

I’m retiring.

Nah, just kidding.

I love Green Bay.

F*** YOU, Green Bay!

What the hell is this guy doing? I guess Brett doesn’t have to worry about keeping his new job on the Jets with good ol’ Kellen Clemens and Brett Ratliff behind him on the depth chart. Who in the hell is Brett Ratliff?

All I want is Favre to throw some great TD’s, not against the Bears, then retire.  And STAY retired.  It could be this season or 200 seasons from now. Just make up ya damn mind, Faver!

And he’s not allowed to cry anymore.

And let’s stop talking about it, please?

2. Over-Analyzation

This guy knows how to laugh at his own jokes.

If I could get Terry Bradshaw, Deion Sanders, Tony Sear-a-Goose-a and Joe Buck all together, in a room, and just LOCK it, I would watch all the pre, post, in-game coverage they have the time to air. Maybe Jim Nantz, too. I never liked his name.

The reason? Everyone’s a frickin’ know at all. Yet they’re all talking out of their ass.  Just like I do.  Or, worse yet, kiss Tom Brady’s ass all season.  Just like I don’t.  But I don’t pretend I know everything.  I just tell you what I think.  For these blowhards, I have a tiny request this year: Tell me who’s starting. Interview Pacman Jones. And let’s get on with the game. Christ.

I don’t know this guy, but I love this blog: http://ssreporters.wordpress.com/

3. Games every night?

Sunday games. Cool. Monday night. Ahhh, OK. Saturday games during the playoffs? Um… all right. Sunday night games? Crap, OK. Thursday night games? Huh? If the NFL puts a game on Tuesday afternoon at 1:30, I am throwing my shoe at Goodell!

HATE!!!!!!!!!!

1. Kellen Winslow Jr.

I dislike this man very very much. He’s cocky. Dumb. And is a “Jr.” I hate all Jr.’s. He talks a lot but gets injured. Kind of like every other “high profile” tight end (I’m looking at you, Heap and Shockey). Shut up. Play. Maybe you’ll get off this list. Do I really hate him because he lost a Yahoo free season of mine 3 years ago to a bunch of bratty Nebraskan teens who teased me endlessly with emails that read “Cry for Kellen, Richie, Cry for Kellen”? Maybe.

2. Drew Rosenhaus

This guy likes ruining football. He has a video on Youtube whining about Lito Shepperd (he pronounces it LEE-TO). 9 times out of 10 when a guy holds out of training camp, Drew is usually the agent. He’s kind of a dick.

He was interviewed about Michael Phelps, and he’s displayed his awesome dick-titude.  Now, I can respect dickness, but he wants Phelps on the box of Frosted Flakes.  Is it bad for kids?  Drew thinks kid eat it anyway, so f*** those kids.  And f*** you for wanting him to be on Wheaties.  Kids may eat the sugar cereal, but seeing him on the box, they’ll want to swim.  OK, Drew, whatever let’s you sleep at night.

Maybe it’s not hate I feel, but rather that Drew is doing what I should be doing!  Maybe he has an opening at his House of Evil Sports Management…

3. Tom Brady

You go and saved the best for last…

I was glad to discover numerous websites devoted to hating this man.  Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Tom Brady is GOOD.  MAYBE even Top 10.  But you’d think this guy is  Jesus the way this media wants us to love him.  I don’t!  I think he’s smug, conceited, and lucky as all hell!  He’s on probably THEE best-coached team in NFL history, and just like the rest of his team, Belichick has taken average players and made them appear great.  Hell, before Randy Moss, just look at the receivers Brady had - David Givens and David Patten?  Are you kidding me?  And he better STOP pretending he’s humble.  I hope I don’t see his stupid face on one more men’s magazine.

And let’s not even talk about this:

I can’t.  Why?

Tune in for a look at BW3 a little later.

I’m Richard Weed and you’re not.  Sucks to be you.

-RW

Dustin’ off the keyboard…

Richard Weed here.  It’s time I get back.  Back on the scene.  That’s right.  Football season is upon us.  And I have people to make fun of.

Get ready…

Oh…

Get ready…